Life Advice from Ghostface Killah

Would you take life advice from someone who says things like, “Ayo, this rap is like ziti, facin' me real TV / Crash at high speeds strawberry kiwi”? Ghostace Killah is betting you would—The World According to Pretty Toney sees him settling into one of his most beloved alter egos to dispense priceless wisdom on everything from family to face care and food. Whether or not it is sound advice may be irrelevant given how hilarious and random Ghost can be. Since Tone is a verbal storyteller at heart, this is really best consumed in audio book form (NSFW), or via these insane outtakes courtesy of MTV2. For those with their hands tied at work, here are some highlights from the Pretty Toney philosophy.

…on creativity

It’s time to get up with some new ideas man. Ya’ll don’t even know how to invent s—t. Think of a new invention, a new toilet bowl or some s—t.

…on hygiene

When [y’all] wake up in the morning, don’t just brush your teeth, man. Scrub your tongue, man. Scrub that f—kin’ halitosis off your f—kin’ tongue of yours. This is real talk, man. Tony from New York: Scrub your tongue, man. That’s where all your bad breath, your little f—kin’ corroded bacteria be runnin’ around’ tap dancin’ on your tongue at night, son. Word up, you know. Dried up food. [Dudes] got that food tongue. Wake up mouth smellin’ like s—t, son…Scrub your lips. Stick the toothepaste down your throat. That’s not nice, son. That’s not a good look…Swallow a box of baking soda and peroxide.

Wash your face before you get in the shower. Wash your face, then wash your nuts. Don’t wash your nets then wash your face. You’re doing it backwards…[Use] the best soap from the heaven’s above. That’s Dove.

…on common courtesy

Tell son to get that booger out his nose…If it’s me son and I got a f—kin’ booger hangin’ off my nose, holler at the boy…Get that green kickball out your nose…Set me free, man. On some Martin Luther King s—t. Stop playin’.

…on fashion

Make sure you match. Don’t be comin’ out like your rainbow man and your attire ain’t proper, son. Make sure your swagger’s good, your attire’s up to par. You decent, man. You decent. And you ain’t gotta come out lookin’ all super-fly and dapper and s—t, just make sure you official. You could have the wackest gear, but just make sure that K-Mart gear or whatever is official. You bring the steez to it.

…on budgeting (aka “The Hustler’s Diet”)

You could take the big bag of 99 cent potatoes, get your girl to slice ‘em up, fry ‘em, nahmean? Lightly cooked, ketchup, salt—you good…$5, you can get your grind on.

…on being yourself

If you suck your thumb, then yo, suck your thumb.

Chuuuuch!