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Top 10 Tips for Being Unemployed

By Gradspot Dot Com
3/31/09
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Well hello there. I'm Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster - that blog you've never heard of. I am what some call a hobby blogger - a title that somehow incorrectly implies that blogging is something other than a crippling, life-consuming addiction that turns regular people into comment-thirsty scoundrels.

Now this may be hard to believe but I wasn't born into the glamorous lifestyle (HA!) of the hobby blogger. That's right - there was once a day where I didn't have to worry about paparazzi and people selling my body hair on Etsy. Once upon a blog, I was newly unemployed after getting the boot from my very first job out of university because je ne pouvais pas parler francais. And just like that, I was a hermit.

In these already uncertain times, it has come to my attention that dozens of people that I know (through the internet) are newly in between jobs. For these people, I would like to share my expertise of being unemployed:

1) Keep setting your alarm to go off as if you have to get up for work. This way, you'll still be physically used to getting your ass out of bed for when you get the new job. Plus, it's an awesome way to wake up, look around, scratch your unmentionables, and go back to sleep while laughing at all the suckers with jobs. Repeat until at least noon.

2) Boxsets are your best friend. I still haven't shook my love of boxsets. Full House Season 3? Okay! Six DVD set of When Animals Attack Babies and Grandmothers at the Duck Pond? Please! A 28-hour investigative report into

3) The best internet porn is found in between the hours of 1 and 4pm. Whether you're into "alone time" or not, you haven't been unemployed until you've been addicted to pornography.

4) There has never been a better time to see how long you can grow your body hair. Consider the neck beard your daily uniform. Also, stop showering. You could do a lot more with that fifteen minutes. See number three.

5) Have friends trying to cramp your busy schedule of being unemployed? Tell them you're freelancing. It's the be-all, end-all of excuses. Immediately, people are actually envious of your employment status, impressed with your motivation and initiative, and most importantly, not trying to eat your Ruffles and tell you that your boxset du jour is lame.

6) Ruffles go well with mimosas. Instant breakfast buzz.

7) Make at least one liquor run with money collected through unemployment cheques. As you're being rung through, make sure you vocally thank the President or Prime Minister in advance for the wicked afternoon drunk you're about to have.

8) Bitch people out when they refuse to get their dance on with you on a Tuesday night. Tell them that any job that doesn't let them come in hungover on a Wednesday isn't a job worth keeping. Offer them employment on a volunteer basis for the first three month probation period.

9) Get a puppy. And buy a house. And do tons of other things that you probably shouldn't without a steady income. If you're lucky, it'll work out. If you're not, how much worse can things get?

10) Twitter about how lame everyone is for complaining about their feed readers getting out of control. It's not THAT hard to keep up with blog reading. In fact, demand MORE posts to keep you entertained during your breaks between number threes.

Ben Boudreau is an ad agency a-hole and social media hack isolated on the east coast of Canada so as to not corrupt others. Fortunately he found the Internet and the world has never been the same since. Among his expertise, he claims to be the world's biggest skeptic of mathematics and science ("One plus one equals two? Prove it...") and an expert on making the most of unemployment. His unemployment survival guide has been celebrated in the basements of parents' homes worldwide. For more terrible advice, Ben can be found blogging at No Ordinary Rollercoaster.

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