Tricking Out Your Apartment for Halloween

When we were kids, celebrating the most pagan of holidays was as easy as peeling grapes and telling your kid sister you’d discovered a bowl of eyeballs. Memories… But as we got older and the Halloween costumes got more high concept (from cowgirl to, umm, sexy cowgirl), so too did the scare tactics.

Now we’re a jaded twenty-something, too busy checking Twitter to be concerned with making your roommate pee himself. Well, it’s time to get over the self-importance and celebrate Halloween like a kid again.

Start the party with a tour for those scoundrels who steered clear of your housewarming. Show off some family portraits, pour seasonal drinks from an antique pitcher, and share a Jello-mold like mom used to make. Brag about your vast collection of Bill O’Reilly virtual paper dolls. That should terrify any self-respecting Ludacris fan.

Anyone can do fake blood and a fog machine. To achieve Lucifer-like dominance over the Halloween party circuit, you’ll have to go big before everyone goes home. Try giant Frankenstein hands . Or a spider with a wingspan longer than Shaq’s. Or a five-foot mummy in a six-foot coffin. This eight-foot, $6,000 replica of Alien ought not disappoint, and you might be able to live in it when you can no longer pay your rent. Then people will really think you’ve lost it!

Also, don’t underestimate the effects of gore on sexy cowgirls. Let bloody footprints lead the way to a rusty hook holding a skeleton by its eye socket. Warn visitors that they may be next if they touch your black and orange M&Ms.

Finally, get really insane with the costume/living decoration of the year, courtesy of the Japanese—morph into a talking vending machine and hands out Crystal Pepsi. People won’t know what hit them.

If your friends still aren’t freaked out, wait until the seasonal drinks take hold and kindly direct them toward the restroom.